Goodbye Is Not The Right Word...

Today, was by far, the hardest day of my life. I cried, and laughed, and cried some more. The funeral was enormous. There were enough people to fill a small town. The lives touched by this guy spread from young people, to old. Most of you that will read this blog know exactly what I am talking about. But in case you have never heard the background story of how Anthony (Tony) Melton and I became friends, I'll go into a little detail.

Nearly 6 or 7 years ago now, I went to a church called First Baptist Church of Gilmer. All of my friends at the time went, and it was just a great place. Little did I know that the summer before my 6th or 7th grade year, I would be going to what was called the "Jr. High Retreat," where we would gather with older students and discuss how our faith could impact people at school; how we could spiritually bond with one another, and just overall have a good time. I get to my sponsor house for the weekend with about 10 other guys. Our group leader: Tony Melton. High School, trumpet player in the band, and all around, one of the most awesome guys I have ever come to meet. We never really got to be great friends here, but I always looked up to him from then on. He was the guy that I looked up to spiritually.

Fast forward to my 10th grade year, and Tony records a CD. Closet of Confessions. I, being the one looking up to him, had to have it. I sent him a Myspace message, and asked how much they were. He said 5 dollars would be fine. So the next day at school, with 5 dollars in my pocket all day, I finally met up with him in the parking lot and got the CD. He said not to worry about the money, that it was OK. I gave him the 5 anyway. And he took it like it or not.

To this day, his lyrics are STILL the best I have heard. They almost seem so strategic, and make you want more. His lyrics remind me of Andrew McMahon of Jack's Mannequin. They were the only lyrics I ever felt deeply about. Cared enough to look into them and try to understand the meaning, and come out with an answer that was just mind blowing. They were truly amazing lyrics.

Anyway, I had a band at the time named The Deathstar Shakedown. Was just kind of a project that me and a few friends were working on, when we just one day stopped playing. Soon after, I was asked by my (for lack of a better word here) idol, Tony Melton to be in his band. This was literally equivalent to your biggest name and favorite artist asking you to sing with them on stage. It was literally a dream come true. I squeeed with delight.

Our first practice, I learned nearly 3 songs that were on the CD that I loved. I couldn't stop smiling. And that happened for the next year and a half when we played. Then we would make our own music. And it actually sounded really good in my opinion. Song after song, we would tinker around with them for days, until we found something that we liked the best. The 4 group members named the band Primary. Primary consumed me for about a year and a half, and within this time period, I had the most amazing times.

Recorded an EP. This was honestly the best week of my life. I couldn't imagine life any other way or without these 3 other people. My bandmates. My second family. We were all brothers. And when that CD came out, I believe that we were the happiest people on that planet. When we saw our music turn into art, and be put out there for the world to see... We were killing it, and it was amazing.

Battle of the Bands. For a band from some town that cared more about football than they did their student's grades, and win the first round of the battle was insane for us. We were kings. Nothing could stop us. We worked solid for the next few weeks perfecting every detail of our songs and went to play at The Door in Dallas, Tx. We may have lost, but it was as if that stage became our home there. It was so comfortable. the 4 of us doing what we loved, and having people cheer along. That was perfection in it's finest.

We camped out at Caddo lake, and if I would have missed that for some stupid reason, I don't know how I could have lived with myself. 3 days full of making music. Hanging out. Being friends. The best of friends. A family. We traveled around.. Even went to Louisiana for food, just because we could. We were adventurous.

I found out that one of my best friends and idols died early on a Sunday morning. He was in a car wreck. I was to be a Pallbearer. The honor that lifted through me at that moment was beyond earthly. I felt like a King. Primary may physically be down in people, but Primary is more than a band. It is a family. Tony, Daniel, Jared, and Myself. We may not always get along, but we all loved each other no matter what happened. Tony made me a better person today because he cared and loved me, just as Primary did for him. Every single day, I will think about him, but not every day will I cry. His spirit keeps me going, and I can feel him pushing me onward saying that "EVERYTHING will be alright." Everything will be alright Tony. I want you to know that if by some chance you catch glimpse of this in Heaven, Everything is alright. You are my Hero.

I'll see you soon brother.

It is well with my soul.

Long Time No See

I feel like I have wasted my life. I feel like there is so much more to be done.

As I reflect upon everything that has happened, that I am able to remember, in the past 19 years... I feel this way. I honestly feel as if there is so much mroe for me to do. So much more for me to experience. And I have been wasting every minute of my life doing something that I could do any day of the week. I want to travel the world. I want to see sites that not many people have seen. I want to visit places that I have only dreamed of. It seems as if this massive country of ours has grown too small for me. I want more.

I look through some of my friends pictures on facebook or something like that, and all I see is them having fun; doing something; being somewhere. Look at my pictures.... Half of them are from World Of Warcraft and a few other things.

I'm growing restless.

I can't sleep because I know that there is more for me. More than I have done.

It's 5am on my birthday morning. I can't sleep. I feel so tired. But I can't get to bed.

Even more restless.

It was 2 am this morning when I saw what was going on. I sit on facebook. Play some Minecraft. And wait on the world to come to me. The only thing that is coming to me, is the cold wind, and shivers being sent up my spine. I can't just sit here any longer, I need out. I need to explore something other than this mundane every day lifestyle of mine. I just want to say everything I mean one day. Say it all, and see how the world around me changes. I want to say it, and do it.

I am 5 days from being a sophomore in college, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. Sure I say computers, but do I really want to do that? Do I really want to play with computers forever more?.... I guess this is all a means to an end. I go to school to learn, so I can buy myself food, to only die one day. I am doing this to sustain myself for the next 60 years... Is it worth it? Is it worth it if I don't do what I want? If I don't travel and see things I've always wanted to? No. It's not. However, If I am able to see things that I have only seen in magazines. See things that are only in our imaginations.... then life is worth living through. It is worth school. It is worth the hardships.

I feel as If I am tied to an anchor and am slowly sinking into the ocean... an ocean that won't ever let me leave.... an ocean that will cover me up with it's waves and years, until that one day, when it's all done, and I can say for myself one of two things.

I have fought the good fight, I broke the chains on this anchor, and nothing held me back. I did what I've wanted. I have fought the good fight. I saw the world, and met her people. I have seen it all, and I am ready to retire for good.

If this is not what I am to say at the end of this life time... I dread hearing what I will hear.

It's 5 am on my birthday morning, and I am contemplating life.
What a birthday.

Best Actor Awarded to.....

It's been a while since I last updated. Things have just been a roller coaster honestly. From stress, to elation, to angry, and on to new things. I have changed a bit since I started this blog, so I think I should tell you them. I don't play video games that much any more. I do sometimes for enjoyment and for recreational purposes with my friends, but nothing more really. I have quit World of Warcraft. Yes you heard right. I played WoW, and I quit. I have more important things to attend to. My band (Primary) is doing quite well! We have a show set up for April 17th, and from then on we are in for the long haul. I have downloaded almost 300 songs recently. I kind of like my music. I've started on my Tax Return sheet.

I tend to think quite a bit. I've been thinking more and more lately. I need to get back to church. You can expect me to be back this week.

I won Best actor in district 17-3A which I was so excited about. I was truly honored to be on stage with the best actress, she is an amazing actress and for me to be compared to her, was amazing. Not much has happened to me as of late, i do however get an extra 30 minutes to sleep starting this week. I need that.

Some things, I really wish i could post on here, but I think I'll leave that alone.

Sorry for such a short post. Anyway,
Safe Travels World,
Yours Truly

Ambience

I've been thinking a lot lately, different things, different ideas, thoughts of what I will do from now on. I've constantly been told that I need to do something I love doing for a living and the more time that goes by I realize that playing music with friends is what really makes me happy. I could live in a van traveling from state to state, just playing music... but I can also live side by side with my best friends playing music whether that be locally, or on the road. I was actually talking to my brother-in-law today about it, and he kinda gave me a crazy look as to why I would live in a van, stopping at truck stops to get refreshed or getting a hotel on the way. As strange as it seems, I could live like that for a while.

Just got done weed eating and putting out weed killer.... written down, that seems more like a slap in the face rather than a precaution to keep the weeds from popping up. I digress. I am not a person to complain about much now-a-days, but mowing has to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I have never been big on it, BUT it did give me a chance to listen to my 105 song playlist of Death Cab For Cutie. Pretty good band I'd say, but The Album Leaf has to top my charts right now. The music is just perfect for me. It sounds amazing. The Enchanted Hill was the first album from them to pop up on my list and all I could do was appreciate everything about the ambient music. It was calming. I have 58 of their songs. In the past week or so, I have downloaded 306 songs and 33 albums... I think I'm over doing it... but like I said, music seems to become my life the more I live. It is truly amazing.

ps.... my foot is asleep.

So long for now,
Yours Truly.

This Is The Life For Me.

I'm laying here on a futon with my band listening to my favorite music... our own. Today is day 2 of recording and we have recorded Daniel(Drums), Bass(Me) and almost all of Tony's Guitar part. I am sitting here in the studio of Alex Dean Recording as well as the house of Companion. We have Call Of Duty MW2 playing in the other room, and music being recorded in the room I'm in. I love it. This is the life for me. Some of my best friends and Myself, recording music that we love to play and having fun doing it. This is my ultimate dream. I will do what I must to get here.

Last night we recorded all of our drum parts, and today all of the Bass and Tony Guitar. All that is left is Jared Guitar and Vox. This excites me, I can't wait to hear a CD.

I have also learned that I love golf. We have been driving balls and chipping them into the woods off of the hill behind the house. This place is beautiful at night. The lights. The serenity. The fun of being with friends. If I could pray for one thing for the rest of my life, it would be for me to be able to keep this lifestyle. Please God. =D

Safe Travels All.

Yours Truly.

Just Some Thoughts On My Day.

It seems that I like to stay to myself a lot of times... Most of the time, I just need that period where all I hear is the keyboard clicking and music playing over it. I like that. It's serene. I don't have to put up with anything or anyone else that tend to push me too far, and for the past 3 days I have believed in myself and let whatever happen just happen. I'm happy.. I feel that this was the way I was molded. I was molded to live my life out for the time being, non-seriously and having fun. That's what most people will tell you at age 18, enjoy your life while you are young, and I intend to do that and let nothing get in my way. I have allowed many stumbling blocks, walls, and many other things get in my way. This won't happen anymore. I have some good friends.

I think waking up on the first day of spring break to be at school at 6:15am is ridiculous, but you know what? I'm doing something I love to do. I love acting. Theater Arts is one of my favorite pastimes. I get to be someone else for those few hours I'm on stage. I see things the way my character sees them. I get to lie to everyone watching. They believe I am my character. They believe I am in these situations. I get to be someone else. A fictional person. It's interesting...

I went to my school's track meet today and watched/cheered on one of my friends competing, and I realized how much I missed pole vaulting. I miss that stretch of 15 or 20 yards that you build up your speed until you vault into the air, turn upside down, and push over a bar 10 or 11 feet in the air. It's nice. I have that sense of flying for a bit.

I am ecstatic about recording... in about 39 more hours, I will be on my way. But between now and then, I have a long day ahead of me. I believe I will turn in early tonight. Goodnight World.

Yours Truly.

This. Is. War.

I think that I have come to realize the effects of my Rockstar Energy Gum. I no longer fall asleep in class, but I seem to be a bit too awake. I need a happy medium. Anyway. I'm not a specifics person. I don't look into detail on a lot of things. I like to look at the general idea on many things, (excluding things such as music) and I'm expected by so many to notice the small things. I like the big picture, just as many like the detail... Maybe it's a guy thing... Maybe it's a me thing... I don't know. English research projects are a grimy little thing. I hate to tackle them, yet this one is due in about a month... I need to find a topic... I'll wait another few weeks.

To get through my day, I've realized that I need more than myself. I think music can suffice. I sat in the theater room today and just listened to Sarah McLaughlin. I laid on the stage and listened to nothing but her voice and my heart pound. I've never felt blood pulse through my heart and out into the rest of my body, but I did today. It was such a state of serenity. I laid on the floor for probably 20 or so minutes just feeling my blood pour into my veins and it was a strange feeling. I liked it. I think I may do that as a meditation technique from here on out.

Primary is headed to Dallas in less than 72 hours and I am ecstatic. I can not wait to be out there and get a feeling for this. I really want to move on and go around playing music for people. I think the Primary could do that here very soon. It excites me. It has always been a dream of mine. It is coming true. We will be recording in less than 72 hours. THAT puts a smile on this face.

Goodnight world,